When A Hug is More Than A Hug

I walked into my breast cancer support group a few days ago.  I had missed the last two meetings.  One for my graduation from the Foundations of Compassionate Care Partnership.  The other because my body had decided to cancer again.  The fatigue was numbing and for the first time in a longtime I was having to bypass the pain to get inward towards the gateways of contemplation.  When I walked into the building smiles and congratulations greeted me.  One of the group members walked up to me,

"I missed you last month."

"Thank you." I said.

And then before I could hesitate,

she wrapped me in a hug.

A hug I did not know I needed.

And she held on.

That hug nourished me.  It held me up.

Over these weeks of uncertainty, scans, and appointments I have been in a calm.  At first I was waiting, almost expecting something else.  Fear. Rage.  Resignation.  There was only calm.  Honestly a lot had happened too much to explain here.  My realities were deconstructing.  Website went down.  Computer blue screened, total meltdown,  much was lost.  And other stuff.  So maybe the calm was pure acceptance that I was not in control.  Understanding that cancer happens even when you think its has settled and you are okay.  Tired is an honorable state of being. It has been a pivotal time. Almost total deconstruction of my physical way of being in the world.  The computer breakdown alone was monumental when the Sacred Qi website crashed, it was a what is going on, breath catching moment.  I did not know if I should continue, how or why and to what purpose?

Last year I was isolated.  I have friends. The feeling of going through this stage of life alone was deep. This year, almost exactly one year later.  I have communities.  Spiritual communities - New Thought, Interfaith, Buddhist.  Subject specific communities: breast cancer and the compassionate care partnership. In a pragmatic way if I choose to I have places to be throughout the month.  Conversations with people who are sharing their lives.  Ways to explore when stuck within my own head or heart. I have found my tribes. Or at least exploring what it's like to have one and be vulnerable.

This is a big change.

At the end of the breast cancer support meeting, phone numbers were exchanged.  More hugs.  Understanding and I received a gift.

Mercedes, "You say things differently and it changes my perspective. Please keep talking and showing me a different way."

And so, I begin again.

To be present.  To give and to receive."

I really needed that hug.  Thank you to the ladies of The Caring Place.

Mercedes Warrick is the Guiding Facilitator at Sacred Qi®